And Now: for something completly different

22 03 2014


I’ve been doing some thinking lately… I’ve been doing that a lot recently.  Dealing with frustration after frustration, and little life problem after little life problem.  Sometimes I want to move off into my own little fantasy world where everything feels right.  Last night, I came up with an (albeit, age old) analogy that more than describes my life:

The world has become linear and square.  We grow up, and as we grow up we’re taught things in school so that one day we can get jobs, make money, spend money, and repeat.  And the rest of life has become an afterthought.  And the world (at least my world, here in the US), has made it neigh impossible to be happy unless I essentially place myself in a dead-end job where I probably don’t want to be.  The world has become a square hole, and I feel like the round peg.  It’s just… not… working.  I see other round pegs (artists, directors, musicians) everywhere, and I think: “I want what they have.”

One thing that’s been consistent in my life for the last couple years is this lack of passion… for pretty much anything; especially in the last few month.  As I trudge through job-site after job-site looking for anything that remotely interests me.  At this point… I just need the money, so I’ll probably end up working fast-food somewhere until my finances stabilize.  The good news though: is that I refuse to stay there (when I get there).

I’ve had all this free time, and I’ve been wasting most it.  That is, until a couple weeks ago… I’ve felt this “thing” stirring.  I’ve been playing (and analyzing) a lot of music… a LOT of music.  I’ve found myself studying movies to the tee (you know, more than I usually do), watching hours upon hours of “how-to” videos on making short films and videos, Writing short stories,  Going to the kitchen and just making stuff.  I’ve even grabbed my art supplies from storage (man! my art is rusty!).  My Dad said something this last week over lunch with something to the effect of: “while you continue looking for a job, you try to look into finding some sort of training to qualify you for other jobs too”.  The direction I’m taking is, I’m sure, not exactly the way he intended me to take it… but until I find something better… I’m running with it with full enthusiasm.   This idea to create, has sparked an unusual amount of passion in me, and even though the square world tells me to put down this thought, and tells me “it’s just a hobby… get a real job.”  And to the square world I say to…: “make me.”

I’ve been making my own way of doing things and entertaining myself before I could walk.  I think I’ve realized now… for the first time in a long time, what it is I’m meant to do.  I’ve been training myself for it my whole life sub-concisely.  So although I’ll need some way to finance myself for this en devour (yuck), I won’t be staying square.  I’m going round!  And despite the world telling me that “it’ll never work,” and “that’s just a make-believe fantasy that holds no value,” I’m going to push myself for it… through the pain and hardships, fighting upstream, with all I’ve got.


Often times, I’ve thought to myself: “Why would something art (art being paintings, movies, cuisine, music, etc.), be of any value to the world? it’s not like I’m building wells in Africa or curing cancer, or fighting in a war.  I’m not even helping someone with their everyday needs like buying groceries or clothing.”  but then this thought occurred to me: “art doesn’t matter? tell that to a kid with cancer too sick to get out of bed smiling while they watch cartoons.  To a veteran looking at that painting that temporarily helps him forget the scares and hurt that comes with war.  To a lonely teenager that just made a new friend at that movie they just went to.  To the couple that just made over dinner at a restaurant.  How can art NOT be important?”

So where does that leave me this time? well first, I won’t be fitting into any more boxes…  I won’t even bother trying to unless (like I said earlier), it’s required only so much as it frees me up to leave it again (I.e. makes money).  The frustration of it all is about the old adage: “It’s not about what you know… it’s about who you know.” I know a lot… sometimes a lot more than I give myself credit for.  but the who… that can be a problem.

When I was a senior in high-school, I had a vision to get into film-making and cinematography… which eventually got crushed by the jaws of reality.  I can vividly remember that conversation with my parents about it.  It just wasn’t practical… it couldn’t be done, and “what else do you like to do?”  It really made me loose a lot of desire to try… at anything really.  Now don’t get this wrong… it absolutely was not my parents fault.  Life was an emotional train-wreck for me in high-school and I had a really bad case of senioritis.

So here I am again… trying to figure out the rest of my life, like a bad deja vu.  But I’m older, and arguably wiser this time.  I’ve been waiting for that “ah-ha” moment in my life.  Waiting for something to click back on.  I’m tired of spending my energy suppressing who I feel I can be in order to “fit in to that square hole.”  But this time… it’s all about to change.  the gears in my head are shaking off the rust and starting to spin in motion… my thoughts defaulting to… well… default, is about to be a thing of the past.

This summer will most likely be filled with experiments with different arts, hopefully sustained by some sort of square job.  I expect that, at least for a while, all my free time this year will be trying to break ground.  As I lay my foundation for what lies ahead.  I’m writing down an outline of projects I will be doing this summer… baring disaster.  Wait, no… a disaster would have to be me dying or something… because nothing’s else is going to stop me now!  Anyway, I’ve got a couple of songs I’m writing that will probably be finished and recorded early summer.  I’ve also got an idea for a little video project in my head.  If I ever actually finish a short story… I’ll put up here for you guys too (for free even!).  I also have a few, more experimental, “beginner” projects in my head.  Oh boy! now I’m excited!

I’ll be trying to broadcast myself wherever I can… this is where I need your guys’ help:

  1. Like, Share, and Share again… everything that you see me do.  I don’t care if I don’t know them or not… I want as many people to hear it as possible
  2. I love hearing what people think…. seriously comment, or message me on facebook! I love hearing both Thanks, and Constructive Criticisms.
  3. Pray for me, and this little endeavor of mine.
  4. Did I mention sharing my projects yet? Oh, I did? well… maybe you should share again… just to be safe.
  5. Be excited
  6. Check back here often… I’ll be dumping tons of projects here this summer!

I’m laughing at myself as I just realized that really all the blog posts are are motivational speeches to myself.  I do hope that my readers can glean from these thoughts and use them in whatever matter benefits you most.  So that’s it… I’m getting back to where I started.  Probably will end up steering towards film-making and directing, but we’ll just take that, one step at a time.

that’s it for  now, thanks for reading!