Memory

1 04 2015

Memory

By: Kyle Zentmeyer

Moon Blossom, By: Kyle Zentmeyer

Moon Blossom, By: Kyle Zentmeyer


             The earie blue light of the moon flooded in my bedroom window.  The beams of feint light only broken into fragments by the large oak tree outside that I used to climb as a kid.  I rolled over in my bed again, cracking open a single eye only to wince at the glaring red printout on my bed-stand reminding me that time doesn’t stop.  Three-thirty-three AM.

I decided to let my mind wander freely.  I had hoped that by freeing it from its chains of reality that it would quickly find itself safely asleep.  But then the most curious thing happened.  It left.  My minds exit was so abrupt that it managed to rip a whole clean through my reality.  It teared through the room looking for a way out… or maybe it was looking for something to latch on to.  Either way, my mind was now free.

So there I was: Sitting straight up in my bed; startled by the shock of what had just happened.  My thoughts, my memories, my emotions bounced out into my room in every color and shape imaginable.  The light quickly faded as the ideas and dreams of my life settled gently to the floor.  I thought this was it.  This is all that there was to my existence.  Every thought and action that I made now lay in front of me as they quickly faded out of time.  Was this what was to become of me? Everything that I have committed to memory simple faded away, with no one but myself to watch?

I blinked once or twice, hoping that the dream would be over, but there was more… so much more.  The euphoric sense of wonder subsided and I now was in my room again.  But wait, there’s still some memories glowing steadily like embers in a dying fire, flitting through the air quietly.  I could almost see through each one, each time my eye followed one images flashed through the room.  A birthday party, vacation at grandma’s house, walking along the old dirt road with my dad, taking my mom to dinner, playing games with my family, going on hikes with my friends.  Each image cast out onto the walls in plain view.  “These must be the strong ones” I told myself.

The room grew darker, and even the strongest memories grew dim.  And that’s when I felt it.  There were more memories in the room.  They was scratching at the closet door, begging to be released.  But how could I do it? I was the one that put them there.  Locking them away hoping that no one would see.  These memories, the bad mistakes, the missed opportunities, the things that can never be undone that I did, all lying in wait, likely to pounce upon me all at once should I open the door.  I battled there in the corner of the room.  Pulling and tugging at my mind, trying to bring it back in… but it was too late.  The door had been opened.

Unlike the good memories, that floated about in a dazzling display that warmed the heart, these that now lumbered about my room, aimlessly trying to find something to devour, were not light at all.  They were neither black nor white nor any shade in between.  They just were.  Big ugly skeletons, each one with their own disfigured, mangled appearance.  I tried not to make eye contact.  Each glance burned horrible images into my eyes, aching me to my very bones.  I closed my eyes to them and turned away.  What harm were they to bring down upon me? What retribution did they seek? I couldn’t stand the idea of not knowing, so I opened my eyes and looked back.  It still hurt.

These skeletons seemed at first to by mindlessly searching the room.  But then I realized, that they were gathering.  Some of them at the door to the outside, and some at the window, that the moonlight had long since disappeared from.  Curious, I very gingerly crept out from the safety of my bed’s comforter, and tip-toed first to the window.  The beasts that had gathered there seemed to be looking out, completely ignoring my own presence.  I peeked over the shoulder of one exceptionally grotesque one.  I could hear the cries of my little brother as I pushed him to the ground in my childhood emanating from the bones of the thing next to me… I had to turn away.  The one I peered over was different.  Different than the others.  It was less dark, and darker and… well… was less of anything.  It felt… alone.  At first it didn’t make any sound. But as the room grew quieter, this monster now inches from myself, grew almost louder without making a single sound itself.

I looked away again and the things in the room continued about their business, still seemingly unaware that I was watching.  I squinted my eyes as I looked out the window.  And that’s when I saw, that I was not alone.  Thousands — maybe millions of skeletons roamed through the world.  At first I saw them down in my lawn and down on the street, but then I saw across the world, each skeleton wandering around seemingly aimless as my own.  Then one of them, close but not too particularly close looked up.

It stared right past all the monsters of my own, and looked at me.  It was not close, nor particularly far.  It was at my window staring down at me with its big blank eyes.  I couldn’t see it, but unlike my own, there was nothing to be felt.  I didn’t understand it but I felt like it was calling out to me.  Was it another skeleton I was about to add to my disheveled collection of my own? I felt as though I wanted to reach out to it.  I put my hand up to the icy window pane, nearly against my own will.  A chill went down my back.  Then I felt something else move again.

From behind me, a creature I knew all too well… slowly reached out over me.  The darkest of them all.  A memory so deep that it’s become an emotion of its own.  I tried to scream in terror, fearing that this was the end.  As it reached the skeleton on the other side of the glass also reached out, mirroring the shadow behind me.  They touched together, where my hand had now been frozen in place with fear.  I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes hard.  If only I hadn’t reached out.

I opened my eyes again.  All the monsters at my window had gone… or… at least they didn’t seem to matter now.  There, on the other side, where a looming shadow once stood, was another person.  Not a whole lot like me, but somehow, I knew this person.  I knew a little of what it was like to be them.  Not all of them.  But I understood part of what ran deep through them… and through me.  I smiled, and they smiled back.  Their smile exploded into a glorious array of light.  Not terrifying, but intense.  It filled my room with memories that I have not yet known.  Each one more brilliant than the next.  Most of them were good, and burned bright and strong.  But it wasn’t over.

I heard a bump behind me.  I turned with a start to see that the rest of my skeletons, still cutting through me like a knife when I looked, leaning against the door.  On the other side I heard shouting, and crying, and could smell the death of the world trying to break through.  More mistakes, more heartache, lurched at its seams.  My skeletons still hideous and unbearable in their own right were pushing back now.  They held strong at the gate to what was now my fortress.  All of my past sins were now pushing back the tide of more trying to enter in.  They had barricaded my soul up to any more out.  These were the skeletons that I had locked away.

The skeletons faded.  The battle had been won for now.  I crawled back into my bed, as the light from my memory filled the room, and colors of every sort danced about me.  “What was to become of these memories?” I wondered.  And as I wondered this a figure glided through my room.  From out of nowhere, the same person that I had met through the window was now pacing about.  And then more figures, all of whom I recognized came in, each going about looking at each of my memories.  The person from my window looked fondly at one that only moments earlier they had created.  They reached out and plucked it from the air, took half of it, and placed it in their pocket.  The other half floated back into the room, unusually brighter than before.  As each character in the room partook in my memory, each light grew brighter and brighter, until there wasn’t a thing to be seen but a blinding light, so beautiful and warm, it made everything else in the room insignificant.  The guitar, the computer, the bed, the walls themselves, all seemed to fade away at the corners of the ever growing light.

My eyes opened once again.  Three-thirty-three AM.  The earie blue light of the moon flooded in my bedroom window.


Thank you for reading.

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Modern social media and the transformation of news reporting. Part 1.

22 01 2015
Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, January 22, 2015 on GoComics.com.

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, January 22, 2015 on GoComics.com.

 

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, January 22, 2015 on GoComics.com.


I think it’s time I address a certain opinion of mine.  Bear in mind that this is my own opinion and in no way reflects the opinions of that of the NFL®… wait wrong caveat.  Anyway… moving on.

I’ve had, in recent months, had the opportunity to listen to the radio, a lot more than I had ever expected.  This is greatly due to the general apathy towards plugging in my phone to my cars sound system as I travel to and from work and school.  This has led me to listening to some interesting radio commentary.  Mostly about either news related to the hilariously stupid things people do, to the more serious: seriously grotesquely stupid things people do… which seems to be most news these days.  I know many of you already know my opinions on “shock-news”, and if you don’t: I abhor it (also… I need to put a dictionary in here because I seem to enjoy using unusual words).  The Idea of targeting your audience based on what will shock them into reading your article is ridiculous and I believe that it panders to the uninformed.  However, there is some legitimacy to modern news, as I believe that people should be informed of current events.  Also however, again, I feel like “current events” have become too commonplace as we are now way too connected, and have lost the ability to communicate on a higher level.  Here’s what I mean by this:

Here in the modern age we have become accustomed to the ability to share information so freely that even a passing thought should be shared (i.e. status updates and tweets).  The instantaneous nature of these “updates” leads people to brashly inform their audience without proper thought and care put in.  This also leads to these “shock-news” events I spoke of earlier.  Our senses have been dulled by the over-stimulation of information and we feel the urge to “shock” our senses with new and startling information.  Unfortunately, as I observe this phenomenon from, what I hope to be a far-off distance, I see it seeping into other media forms outside of social networking.  In a way, I wish I could un-invent the internet, and reinstate newspapers, television/radio news, and good ole’ fashioned letters as the formal means of gathering accurate information.

One reason for this is that much like a doctor or a pilot, journalists really are trained in their profession.  I wouldn’t trust an internet source for medical diagnosis (there’s an app for that by the way), so why should I for accurate information on an event?  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read an article of information on (let’s say for fairness sake) “Tublfacetwitagramterist-tube”, about a current event and people always… ALWAYS seem to jump to some conclusion, and within an hour or so, as they collect further information they seem to have to backtrack their statements.  So between preemptive conclusions and trying to shock me into reviewing your article, I’ve grown bitterly disinterested and jaded against news sources in general.  Ironically this observation that I make is based on a “first-pass” view of the situation and may (or may not) be jumping to conclusions.  But I feel that many of you may agree with this viewpoint.

Lastly, before I try and conclude on a high note, I would like to note that it seems like every opinion on every subject needs to be expressed by every individual.  This is, I think, due to, once again, the instantaneous ability to post on social media.  If I may label this phenomena in my own words I would label it as: “unneeded, opinionated sentiment”.  Or in other words: every individual has an opinion of something, even if that opinion is: “I choose to ignore it, as I deem it irrelevant to my current state of being”.  And in this over-saturated culture, we feel the necessity to express every thought and idea in some way or another (mostly through “social media”).   I’m actually rather torn between pushing that “publish” button and deleting this whole post, as I feel like the irony would drive me mad.

The good news is that I see hope for the future of news media.  There are indeed advantages to mass communication through mixed social media.  Such as; the ability to receive feedback (if you filter through the un-needed banter of people’s poorly-structured criticisms and un-reserved opinions) or; the ability ensure that you’re reaching the audience you intend to reach.   I do in-fact value the ability for people to create useful dialog about current events and philosophies of life.  Unfortunately, the anonymity of the World Wide Web, has created an environment for people to express opinions without first, pondering the outcome of their thought.  For as I see it: Thoughts have results.  If you think something, something comes of it.

As I type without regard to maintaining subject matter, I realize that I mentioned earlier about radio programming before I got off on one of my normal social media tangents.  And that is: that radio has very recently adopted this idea of inundation of useless information.  Political opinion talk shows have, for an even longer time, been “hot topics” and although I listen to them rarely myself, when my grandparents play them in my presence I’m almost impressed by their (the radio host’s) disinterest in others’ opinions.  I a little put off by the fact that when people call in they (specifically Rush Limbaugh), rarely let the caller finish their statement, but other than that, I almost admire the idea of: “your opinion is not important anymore”.  It brings to mind that opinions are just that: opinions; and that they don’t necessarily need to be addressed by everyone.

On the same vein, there’s a radio show that I really like to listen to, that’s all about cynicism.  And although I really enjoy it, I’ve realized that they, even on the radio, have a knack for creating this “shock news”.  For example: they like to talk about some “interesting” story about a fat person in Wal-Mart “and you’ll never believe what they did next!”… Or they’ll pander to the “culture stories”, which nowadays, seems to always be about something someone or some animal did, that’s cute.

So now inlays the irony… as I push that publish/post button; I realize that my opinions on opinion-generated news and information are just that: Ironic.  But hopefully, unlike modern mass communication trends, my opinion is not just a fleeting thought posted instantly and anonymously, but rather: well-constructed and meaningful.  With the intent of thoughts bringing about useful results.

That being said, I encourage you, if you have a counter-point to bring up, construct a well thought-out idea and contact me about it.  And before I begin another rant/tangent on the use of “buzz words”, I hope to leave you all with some value garnered from my typographic ramblings.

 

Thank you,

Kyle

 

P.S. If you haven’t notice by now, my choice of words may seem sesquipedalian in nature (sesquipedalian meaning: a person who uses long words).  But I rather enjoy expressing my full use of the English dictionary.  And as such, I see no reason to create content that includes vocabulary of a higher-level education.  It is in no way an intention of seeming smarter than I actually am or making my writing seem somehow more important… it’s just how I choose to write.  If you feel like my choice of words is snobbish, unnecessary or, dare I say, grandiose; please… *sigh* leave your opinion in my inbox, as I would love to have an educated conversation with you about it.  Otherwise I could also suggest expanding your vocabulary, or read something set for a lower reading level.  I would also like to note, lastly, that: No, I didn’t use a thesaurus to replace words at random, and, for the most part, was intentional in my word choice.  Thank you.





A serious case of writers block

22 09 2014

I’ve been trying about once a week for almost a month to write down something here… anything.  I’ve tried video blogging, audio only, and now I’ve come full circle into just writing it all down again.  So what’s this all about? Writers block has hit me hard.  Every time I try and write anything (my blog, stories, scripts etc.) I can’t seem to get any further than a couple of lines in.  Even now, as I’m writing, I’m having to fight just stopping.  (10 minutes later)… “what was I doing again?”…. oh, that’s right; blogging.

Now it seems as though everything has hit a slump for me.  I can’t write, I’m playing the same music over and over again.  My drawing/doodling has slowed down, and I feel a lack of inspiration to do anything.  I was hoping this day would have come when my finances depended on me doing this stuff, and so, create an urgency to carry on.  But as it stands, I don’t NEED to do anything creative, and my lack of WANT to, is making it hard to do so.  This writers block thing is really starting to annoy me.  At this point I need to get over this slump.  In a way I’m excited to see what happens when I do get over it.  I’m half expecting to explode onto the scene with brilliance and high-quality work… But here I am, for now, just blogging (because it’s easier).

The good news though is that I finally invested in Adobe, so now things should be more streamlined when I actually do things… hopefully (not that my creativity should revolve around which software I use… but still…)  And that’s about it for the good news.

Now of course, is the time to really push myself. I’ve laid out my foundation (let’s hope it sets right).  And if I continue the metaphor: I’m waiting for the cement to dry.  I probably won’t be posting many things (here or on FB) for a while, as I’m doing some “background” things right now.  I’m continuing setting up the framework for this next part of the journey.  Phase 2 of which will likely include, maybe college… once again, I’m in a slump of being indecisive and not knowing what to do next.

Meanwhile, while I work out in my head something that will hopefully make more sense than this post, feast your ears on some random concept work I’m doing:





Cryptic Facebook Post

14 06 2014

I was sitting here at my computer, staring down facebook once again.  To post or not to post, that was the question.  I kind-of wanted to post something cryptic and “ill-mooded”, but I also didn’t wan’t to have flashbacks of having done just that same thing in high-school.  So I’m posting some more rambling non-sense here instead (I just hope it doesn’t take longer than an hour, or else I’ll regret it tomorrow morning).

The whole point of this “cryptic facebook post” that I had in my head to post (but didn’t), was, in a brief summary: “I’m not where I want to be in life”  I was hoping by this time I’d have at least one completed work of music, or a drawing that I would be proud enough to claim as my own, or at the very least a video blog so you can see my pretty face and listen to the sultry sound of my voice.  But no… you’re just reading some boring text, probably skimming from paragraph to paragraph.  I don’t blame you though; I do the same thing.  So this is what happens when dreams and reality meet I guess.  I’ve never had a job that I’ve said that I really didn’t like, but as humanity would have it, I’ve found myself skimming the bottom of the barrel hoping to find enough scraps to hold together some sort of thing that people call living (keep in mind I have 2 jobs… one of which I thoroughly enjoy, but I’m pleading the 5th on which one I’m talking about… here’s a hint: it’s not posted on my facebook that I work there.)

Don’t get me wrong, the people there are great (mostly), but that kind of environment is not suited to my strengths even in the slightest.  Which got me to thinking again, about my other post And Now: For Something Completly Different.  I desperately am clinging on to the theory of that post, probably as some sort of early-mid-life crisis.  But reality has sunk it’s teeth in hard, and I’m struggling to fight for my dreams.  I’ve found that it’s like this: the desire is there, and the skills are rusty (but there… I hope) but right now, I have no goals or outlet.  I’ve also noticed how having 2 jobs, makes me really not want to do anything at all when I have time off.  I play a lot of music, but most of it doesn’t accomplish much, as I don’t have anything hooked up to record anymore.  Lastly, I’ve noticed that I like to do creative things at night, which doesn’t help when I have to be up at 5 the next morning.  So… This “job” thing that makes me money.  it’s a necessary evil at this point.  And unfortunately, sometimes I have to do things I don’t like to do.

I’m still looking for a place to live in a more permanent situation.  I’ve got boxes and piles everywhere in the room my grandparents are letting me stay in.  It’s not home though, and it’s not suitable to what I want to be doing with my time.  But once again… there’s that money thing.

So, I’m not doing what I want in a place I don’t want to be, with my boxes and piles of dirty laundry to keep me company… hmm… let’s talk solutions.  Because solutions to problems are always more exciting than the problems themselves in my opinion.

Option 0: Do nothing

So I make money now, I eat good food and sleep in a warm bed.  What more could I want in life?  <– seriously  this isn’t fun at all.

Option 1:  Go to college!

Ok… I’ve given this some thought, and it actually seems like it could become a viable solution.  But there’s still lots of details and stuff to hash out in my head and on paper before it becomes even remotely doable.

Option 2: Find a different job

I’m working on this one passively, but seriously: it was hard enough the first time.

Option 3: umm…

Ok… I haven’t come up with any more ideas.  What can I say? I’m writing this all down as it comes to me anyway.  what did you expect? a well thought out dissertation on my thoughts this evening? ha ha! you obviously don’t know me very well then… moving on…

every now and then… I’ve highly considered, while driving, to just keep driving, to see where I end up.  Just to pack up some things, and hit the road.  But then again, it wouldn’t help with my mission at all.  so Option 4: I need to set some actual tangible goals for myself.  “Goal one: write goals down.”  There, that wasn’t too hard. I just need to keep going.  Now for those of you who don’t know how this blogging thing works, I’m going to stop writing things here so I can find some pretty pictures to put in before it gets much later into the night.

<insert 15 minute gap of time>

Well.. that was a waste.  There’s nothing good on the internet anymore (which is another tangent I might address later).  I took a bunch of nice photos last weekend, but they’re still all on my moms computer.  So it looks like you’re just going to get a big-ole wall-o-text this time… sorry.

 





Settling In

8 05 2014

This will likely be a short blog update.  Not much has happened.  So here’s the short version first (In convenient bullet points).

  • I found work!
  • it’s barely enough to cover rent if I were to rent my own place. But I’m going to try anyway.
  • Because right now it feels like I’m living out of boxes (because I am).  And it’s frustrating.

That’s the short summary of life.  now on to Mothers day!

I’m excited because my Grandpa just gave me the word, that if I want, I can make anything I want for a Mothers Day dinner, and he’ll pay for the ingredients.  I’m not going to go super crazy, but it’s going to be fun!  And… in summary of mothers day: “I love my mom!”

Yeah… that’s about it.  Most of my jeans will permanently smell like cooking oil now, but hey, it’s a living.  So stay tuned as I look for a place to live, and when that happens, I’ll be getting back to the art and music and shtuff.

I guess that’s all… Told you it was short. Until next time,

Kyle





And Now: for something completly different

22 03 2014

Squarehole_trans

I’ve been doing some thinking lately… I’ve been doing that a lot recently.  Dealing with frustration after frustration, and little life problem after little life problem.  Sometimes I want to move off into my own little fantasy world where everything feels right.  Last night, I came up with an (albeit, age old) analogy that more than describes my life:

The world has become linear and square.  We grow up, and as we grow up we’re taught things in school so that one day we can get jobs, make money, spend money, and repeat.  And the rest of life has become an afterthought.  And the world (at least my world, here in the US), has made it neigh impossible to be happy unless I essentially place myself in a dead-end job where I probably don’t want to be.  The world has become a square hole, and I feel like the round peg.  It’s just… not… working.  I see other round pegs (artists, directors, musicians) everywhere, and I think: “I want what they have.”

One thing that’s been consistent in my life for the last couple years is this lack of passion… for pretty much anything; especially in the last few month.  As I trudge through job-site after job-site looking for anything that remotely interests me.  At this point… I just need the money, so I’ll probably end up working fast-food somewhere until my finances stabilize.  The good news though: is that I refuse to stay there (when I get there).

I’ve had all this free time, and I’ve been wasting most it.  That is, until a couple weeks ago… I’ve felt this “thing” stirring.  I’ve been playing (and analyzing) a lot of music… a LOT of music.  I’ve found myself studying movies to the tee (you know, more than I usually do), watching hours upon hours of “how-to” videos on making short films and videos, Writing short stories,  Going to the kitchen and just making stuff.  I’ve even grabbed my art supplies from storage (man! my art is rusty!).  My Dad said something this last week over lunch with something to the effect of: “while you continue looking for a job, you try to look into finding some sort of training to qualify you for other jobs too”.  The direction I’m taking is, I’m sure, not exactly the way he intended me to take it… but until I find something better… I’m running with it with full enthusiasm.   This idea to create, has sparked an unusual amount of passion in me, and even though the square world tells me to put down this thought, and tells me “it’s just a hobby… get a real job.”  And to the square world I say to…: “make me.”

I’ve been making my own way of doing things and entertaining myself before I could walk.  I think I’ve realized now… for the first time in a long time, what it is I’m meant to do.  I’ve been training myself for it my whole life sub-concisely.  So although I’ll need some way to finance myself for this en devour (yuck), I won’t be staying square.  I’m going round!  And despite the world telling me that “it’ll never work,” and “that’s just a make-believe fantasy that holds no value,” I’m going to push myself for it… through the pain and hardships, fighting upstream, with all I’ve got.

artquote_trans

Often times, I’ve thought to myself: “Why would something art (art being paintings, movies, cuisine, music, etc.), be of any value to the world? it’s not like I’m building wells in Africa or curing cancer, or fighting in a war.  I’m not even helping someone with their everyday needs like buying groceries or clothing.”  but then this thought occurred to me: “art doesn’t matter? tell that to a kid with cancer too sick to get out of bed smiling while they watch cartoons.  To a veteran looking at that painting that temporarily helps him forget the scares and hurt that comes with war.  To a lonely teenager that just made a new friend at that movie they just went to.  To the couple that just made over dinner at a restaurant.  How can art NOT be important?”

So where does that leave me this time? well first, I won’t be fitting into any more boxes…  I won’t even bother trying to unless (like I said earlier), it’s required only so much as it frees me up to leave it again (I.e. makes money).  The frustration of it all is about the old adage: “It’s not about what you know… it’s about who you know.” I know a lot… sometimes a lot more than I give myself credit for.  but the who… that can be a problem.

When I was a senior in high-school, I had a vision to get into film-making and cinematography… which eventually got crushed by the jaws of reality.  I can vividly remember that conversation with my parents about it.  It just wasn’t practical… it couldn’t be done, and “what else do you like to do?”  It really made me loose a lot of desire to try… at anything really.  Now don’t get this wrong… it absolutely was not my parents fault.  Life was an emotional train-wreck for me in high-school and I had a really bad case of senioritis.

So here I am again… trying to figure out the rest of my life, like a bad deja vu.  But I’m older, and arguably wiser this time.  I’ve been waiting for that “ah-ha” moment in my life.  Waiting for something to click back on.  I’m tired of spending my energy suppressing who I feel I can be in order to “fit in to that square hole.”  But this time… it’s all about to change.  the gears in my head are shaking off the rust and starting to spin in motion… my thoughts defaulting to… well… default, is about to be a thing of the past.

This summer will most likely be filled with experiments with different arts, hopefully sustained by some sort of square job.  I expect that, at least for a while, all my free time this year will be trying to break ground.  As I lay my foundation for what lies ahead.  I’m writing down an outline of projects I will be doing this summer… baring disaster.  Wait, no… a disaster would have to be me dying or something… because nothing’s else is going to stop me now!  Anyway, I’ve got a couple of songs I’m writing that will probably be finished and recorded early summer.  I’ve also got an idea for a little video project in my head.  If I ever actually finish a short story… I’ll put up here for you guys too (for free even!).  I also have a few, more experimental, “beginner” projects in my head.  Oh boy! now I’m excited!

I’ll be trying to broadcast myself wherever I can… this is where I need your guys’ help:

  1. Like, Share, and Share again… everything that you see me do.  I don’t care if I don’t know them or not… I want as many people to hear it as possible
  2. I love hearing what people think…. seriously comment, or message me on facebook! I love hearing both Thanks, and Constructive Criticisms.
  3. Pray for me, and this little endeavor of mine.
  4. Did I mention sharing my projects yet? Oh, I did? well… maybe you should share again… just to be safe.
  5. Be excited
  6. Check back here often… I’ll be dumping tons of projects here this summer!

I’m laughing at myself as I just realized that really all the blog posts are are motivational speeches to myself.  I do hope that my readers can glean from these thoughts and use them in whatever matter benefits you most.  So that’s it… I’m getting back to where I started.  Probably will end up steering towards film-making and directing, but we’ll just take that, one step at a time.

that’s it for  now, thanks for reading!

Kyle





The unemployment line dothst moveth slowly

21 02 2014

As many of my readers know, I’ve been unemployed for about 3 months now.  Which, when I say it like that in my head, it doesn’t sound so incredibly awfully long.  But there are days when it sure feels like it.  During this time (up to this point) I’ve discovered three main thoughts:

The first was brought about by what my mom said during a family meal a week or two back, while we were talking about me and my siblings and where we wanted to be in 5 years (brought about probably by me stating to them about my disgust for that question during interviews).  Anyway, my mom said something to the effect of “…I bet you [me] were right where you wanted to be though.”  This revelation should have seemed obvious.  I think I was caught up in all the hard times and the rough transition of Camp, that I forgot that I really wanted to be there.  It’s really hard to try and make yourself want to be somewhere else when you honestly don’t.  Outwardly, I took the transition very well.  Even inwardly, I was excited to see where my life would lead to next.  But a couple of months after the fact, I realize very much that I never really wanted to leave.  At Lake City, I had friends, a job, a church community that I loved.  Now… well… it’s been challenging.  My home church here in Delta has changed a lot in 5 years.  Although I was home to visit quite often,  the last few times I went into Delta for church (I’m a half hour south right now), I realized that I hardly recognized anybody.  Although I was still aware of what was going on there, The staff is pretty much all new, and of course, all my old friends are either still in college, or moved away.  I did get plugged in with the worship team again, and that’s been pretty much the best thing ever.  So back to my point: It’s been hard to find the new “where I want to be” here.  Suddenly the age old question is slapping me in the face again: “where do you want to be in 5 years?”

The second thought is this: why don’t people know anymore (primarily to the question above)? Ever since kindergarten we’re asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”  And then from then on out you are being equipped with knowledge and tools to help you get there.  Now granted, your choice is probably going to change about a thousand times, and the knowledge is being fed to you through a “cookie-cutter” machine.  No matter how nice or awful the teacher is, they aren’t going to teach you exactly what you specifically need to achieve what it is you plan to do when you “grow up”.  So lets face it: most of us have at one point or another been asked “where do we you want to be in 5 years.”  and the first thing that pops into are head, and sometimes we feel it should be blurted right out loud to our job interviewer: “I dunno.”  I mean seriously, that question is so close minded and unfair.  I’ve given up trying to figure out where I want to be in 5 years, as the answer changes at least 2-3 times a year.  I’ve also realized that that’s not what interviewers are asking.  What they really want to know (or should want to know) is: HOW do you want to be in 5 years.  Which is also how I’ve decided to answer interviewers now.  Other things I’ve noticed is why people do dumb things.  And there best answer to why they did said things is: “I dunno.”  well… why don’t you know?  it’s not like you were trained to do dumb things.  On the contrary, we’ve been trained to do and be smart.  It may seem obvious to me that the culprit here is passiveness.  We don’t care anymore and just want the easy way to do things.  And why don’t we care any more?  I actually don’t know, and don’t feel like doing the research on why that is… 😀 Actually, it seems to me, based on my uninformed opinion, that the culprit is TV.  Everything we see on TV works out for good in the end.  And when bad things happen on TV they are usually followed by everything working out for the better in the end.  Not always how it works in real life my friends.  I’m sorry to have to say it but it just is (well… not exactly but I don’t want to get too philosophically deep here).  Bad thing happen, and sometimes they don’t end well here on earth, physically.  So we see all these good endings on TV and we hope that one day everything in our own lives will pan out just like that… So we wait… then we grow impatient for it to happen.  We may give a nudge in the right direction, but we want to wait and see if something will happen.  Then we start to lose hope.  Then we give up and stop caring.

I feel as though I may be somewhere in the middle of this cycle:  I was just where I wanted to be,  something bad happened, and now I’m waiting for something good to happen again.  People (usually family members) ask so why don’t you have a job yet (ok, they’re really asking if I’ve found any prospective jobs, but that’s not how I feel when they ask)?  And the only thought that comes to mind is: “I dunno”.  I realize that’s not a good answer.  And partly it’s because I’m waiting for a good job… like it’s just going to appear out of thin air, and it’s calling my name.

As a third thought (because every good speech needs three points).  I really hate interviews.  Like, really really really hate them.  And I’ll tell you why: because I’m very good at judging people.  Not in a sense that I look down on them, but rather I can usually tell how people are thinking.  For example, I can usually tell about half way through an interview (no matter how well it was going) whether or not they want to hire me.  The thought of knowing this usually makes the later portion of the interview a disaster.  I shouldn’t feel beaten down and picked dry at the end of an interview.  Quite frankly and employer who starts a prospective new hire by emotionally draining them need not inquire.  For me, I’ve spent a lot of time building and un-building emotional walls.  Mostly revolving around me not liking to talk about myself at all.  Even in writing these posts… I usually write, erase, write again… wait a week, delete the post and re-write it.  This is one of the few places I can really feel most open about talking about my personally life.  Probably because hearing it out loud scares the crap out of me.  And I know what some of you are thinking: “suck it up” “grow up” “just deal with it” “It’s a part of life and…”  Shut up, all of you thinkers of such things.  Sorry, I can’t be nicer about it, but what would you have me do?  if you’re going to tell me to do such things then please lose your job, most of your close friendships you’ve made in the last 5 years, and then move to a place you thought you knew but know realize you don’t.  I seem to keep waving back and forth between this place of retrospective philosophical stance and just feeling mad.  It’s verging on bi-polar madness.  Yes there is a time where I do and will need to “suck it up” and take action.   And it can happen simultaneously with me expressing my thoughts.  But please don’t get the two separate processes mixed, and don’t be a psychologist for me  (philosopher is OK though 😉 ).

Moving on now.  I’m still actively watching all the job sites for work.  I need to make a call to a career councilor somewhere, sometime… soon, so I can stop the “I dunno”s.  If anyone has any suggestions as to a good career guidance coach, please let me know.  Or if anyone has any jobs (preferably related to either commercial kitchens, or basic/intermediate IT) or know’s anybody who has those jobs available… you should let me know.

“have computer and skillet… will travel,”
Kyle